Last night I went to bed exhausted, and awoke abruptly at
4am on the dot due to a horrific dream. I realized my body hadn’t budged from
the original position I tucked myself in the night before, and was surprised I
had not thrashed about due to the stirrings of my unconscious mind. Upon
opening my eyes and realizing that the details of the dream had not followed me
into the conscious world, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. But the
specifics of the dream world still hung in my vibration.
I rolled on my side as tears filled my eyes and spilled down
onto my pillow. The heaviness of the dream and all its details filled my thoughts
like a spider’s web. Experience after experience connected to person after
person who I had touched in some way throughout my life, created this intricate
network of events that had all been revealed to me subconsciously while I slept.
The idea of how many people had been affected in some way due to me being in
their lives, even if just for a moment, was mind-boggling.
What had this dream delivered? All of my nasty bits.
Everywhere throughout my entire life where I had left an impression on another
individual. Not loving impressions, on the contrary. My dream revealed spiteful,
malicious, cruel, offensive and vicious marks I had left on others. And if that
wasn’t hard enough to swallow, each and every one of these people were here
having a party in my favor. Oh, not a fun filled party. A party where I was to
be humiliated and made to feel exactly the way I had made all of them feel. It
was horrifying. Payback is a bitch!
So, why was I crying? Because in an instant I understood
that I am all of those things. What things? Unkind, cruel, malicious,
heartless, insensitive, unsympathetic, detached, whiny, bitchy, rude,
obnoxious, overbearing, bossy, a nag, spiteful, a complainer, gossipy... the
list goes on and on. These are not qualities I would usually want to admit are
a part of me. You know what I mean right? Instead we pick the few traits and
qualities we deem most desirable like, honesty, lovable, considerate, multi-tasker,
hard worker, and so on, and inflate them so much that they appear to overpower
the nasty bits. What this dream showed me were how the nasty bits can make a
much bigger impact than you would care to believe.
- Remember that day you didn’t take your friends call because you didn’t want to get into some long conversation, so you just ignored it? Well, she really needed you in that moment and had no one else to turn to. She felt alone and scared. She remembered you weren’t there for her, even if only subconsciously.
- Remember that time your coworker came forward with an idea in a meeting, and you noted how it was impossible to make work? Well, that was their attempt at confidence, and you just knocked her back a step... again!
- Remember that time your lover tried to apologize to you, and you continued to repeat to them what they did to hurt you over and over and over again? Well, s/he decided you and the relationship weren’t worth it after that. I mean, you just rub it in their face anyways.
- Remember all those mornings when you get your coffee and you never say thank you or acknowledge the person serving you? The girl serving you is having a rough time with her bills and has no one to watch her kids so she can go out and have some time to herself. Well, she got fed up and called in sick one day, feeling very unappreciated. Guess what? She got fired.
- Remember that time you just had to be right? No matter what the other person said, WRONG. Well, that person was attempting to have a backbone instead of letting everyone walk all over them. Guess what? You made them feel foolish.
- Remember that time you talked on and on and on about yourself, and didn’t stop to ask the receiver about their life? Well, they had been feeling rather alone lately and now, you just pushed them off the fence into total disempowerment.
Every facet of this dream related to every instance where I
interacted with another human being with a nasty side effect... and these people
wanted justice. They horrified, humiliated, robbed and abandoned me for their
own pure delight. I was left in the middle of nowhere with nothing, and
everyone I loved killed. I stood alone speechless and dumbfounded. And then I
opened my eyes.
So what did I learn? Nothing. I personally do not support
the word “learn unless it is applied to acquiring knowledge of a new subject or
skill through education or experience. What if we didn’t “learn” through interactions
with other, or by opening to awareness, but instead we grew and expanded? What
if we morphed and transformed into something new? That is what I did... I
expanded. I morphed. I accepted all of my nasty bits and looked deeper into
that inner part of me that is all things and said, “Yes, I am that.” And I was
immediately thankful and respectful to all of the people who had gifted me with
their presence and enlightened me subconsciously in this dream, allowing me to
be vulnerable. This is part of my expansion as spirit.
I have always loved knowledge and have an ingrained
persistence to never stop expanding. Self development is critical to me, and
why I adore helping others reveal their nasty bits, as well as reveal to them how
potent they are as a Life Coach. I sold my soul to everyone else’s definition
of reality for the first 30 or so years of my life. In that time, I believe my
spirit could not contain itself and has continued to bust me open at the seams
every chance it gets. More and more of who I am, and how I can contribute and
enjoy life and relationships here on this planet are brought to light. This
dream, this slap in the face, exposed a part of me deserving of love and
attention... and that’s what I’m going to give it!
Catherine
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